Tunnel Vision

I get tunnel vision when my anxiety activates. It’s overwhelming and all-consuming. I feel like my life is going to end and there is no hope. 

I got back on my road bike again today. Although it makes me very nervous riding out in the middle of nowhere, this is a part of my growth. I have a goal to become more comfortable and confident in remote locations where self-reliance is key. When things go wrong and you are alone, can you handle it?  

I haven’t ridden outside my home state of Florida. I have also never lived outside of a metropolitan. Sauk Prairie, Wisconsin is neither Florida nor a metropolitan. There are big beautiful rolling hills, and plenty of steeply graded roads to climb. Filled with excitement and anticipation I committed to going for a ride alone today.

I went about twelve miles into the corn fields, bordering private Indian Land. I started feeling the rush of adrenaline. Not the cool version you get when you are doing an exhilarating activity, but the kind you get right before a panic attack. 

It set in, I’m an hour away from help, then another hour away from a hospital. I don’t have any cell reception, how will I even call for help? If I have a heart attack how will anyone find me? Will this be where my story ends? All of those thoughts came rushing into my head in less than five seconds. I was significantly overwhelmed and overstimulated. It is very difficult to think in that situation. Should I turn back? That will surely allow the emotions to subside. Part of me screams hell yes, turn back. Another part says you got this and you deserve to experience the feeling that is just another 2 miles away -- the halfway and turnaround point of my ride.  

I stopped for about ninety seconds, practiced my special breathing technique for anxiety, and regained my composure. I make a conscious decision to start riding again. What did I say to myself? If I die, I won’t know so who cares and why would I worry about something I’m unaware of? If I get stranded out here and help doesn’t come for hours, I’m not dead and I’ll be fine in that case as well. These questions start to bring me back to the most important thing. The present. See when you have an anxiety attack it pulls you out of the present moment. It makes you recall bad past experiences and future worries out of your control. Those two things just exacerbate the situation. I must ask myself, how am I feeling right now? Scared, but OK. As long as I’m OK I can continue.  

With every pedal from that point forward, I got stronger, more self-assured, and ultimately more confident that I can handle whatever situations come my way. 

I rode those additional two miles and the most amazing thing happened. Sure I “beat” this scary moment in time. But it’s even better than that. Two miles up the road was Mr. Steve. I stopped and talked to Mr. Steve at the turnaround point I set for myself before I ever knew what this trail had to offer. Mr. Steve was recovering from a long bike ride he recently took. 1,500 miles from central Wisconsin, over and around Lake Michigan, island hopping up and over to Northeastern, Wisconsin, down through Door County, and back to central Wisconsin. It took him twenty-three days. I rode with him for five miles as he shared his stories with me. Mr. Steve rode alone all the time and must have been in his 60’s or 70’s. It was the universe’s way of telling me that if Mr. Steve can do it, so can I!

I would never become more comfortable alone if I had given up on this ride early. I would have also never met Mr. Steve. He is a part of my journey and I am a part of his. That is what life is all about to me. Meeting new people, experiencing new places, and destroying your comfort zone along the way!  

By now there is no more tunnel vision for this rider and I am ready for the next adventure. More boundaries to break and more stories to write. 

Hotep & Ashe,

The Brazen Traveler